Carrying It All: The Mental Load of Parenting No One Sees

There’s a lot about parenting that’s visible — school drop-offs, bedtime routines, meals, and appointments. But there’s another layer that often goes unseen: the mental load.

The mental load is the constant thinking, remembering, planning, and anticipating everything that keeps a household running. And for many parents, it never truly turns off.

The mental load isn’t just tasks — it’s the responsibility of remembering them.

It looks like:

• Tracking appointments and deadlines

• Remembering what groceries are needed

• Planning meals and snacks

• Noticing when clothes don’t fit anymore

• Anticipating emotional needs or behavior changes

• Remembering school forms, spirit days, and events

  
  

It isn't just happenings for the kids either. Do you have doctor's appointments? Does your car need to go in the shop because of that weird noise you've been putting off for months? How many sick days do you have left at work - it is cold and flu season!

Why the Mental Load Feels So Exhausting

The hardest part of the mental load is that it’s constant. There’s no clock-out time, no checklist that ever fully ends.

And surprise!! No one tells you about it when you're pregnant, or when people are writing advice on cards for you at your baby shower. It's something we find out about and are expected to figure out on our own.

How the Mental Load Shows Up in Our Home

Living together with two families, the mental load doesn’t disappear — it just needs to be managed intentionally.

Some days, it looks like:

• One person holding most of the planning

• Feeling overwhelmed even when tasks are shared

• Carrying emotional labor on top of physical responsibilities

** I remember one day about two months ago, I was having a hard day, the kids weren't listening at all, the dog just peed on the floor, and my head had just been spinning with tasks and reminders all day. I went to our cabinet of 'extras' (toilet paper, paper towels, hand soap - just waiting for its turn to be used) and found that we had run out of paper towels! How did I let that happen?

I started to cry, not a little hide it from everyone cry - a big let it all out kind of cry. Skyler looked at me and immediately knew I was losing my shit. She let me cry it out and then we sat down and came up with a plan on how to unclutter my mental load, while making sure things got done! **

What’s Helped Lighten the Load

We’re still learning, but a few shifts have helped reduce the weight:

1. Naming the Mental Load

You can’t share what isn’t acknowledged. Speaking it out loud, makes it seem a little less overwhelming. This also helps other know that you may be getting overwhelmed and that you need help without specifically stating it.

2. Sharing Ownership

When someone owns a task, it no longer lives in someone else’s head. If you have a partner or a good friend that will help, ask for the help. When it is their responsibility, you can let it go and stopping worrying!

3. Letting Go of Control

Sometimes the mental load comes from feeling like things have to be done a certain way. Personally, I love my dishwasher loaded a certain way, or the toys put away in specific places but in order to get it done, I've learned - sometimes I have to let go of "my way".

What’s Still Hard

Even with communication and effort, the mental load doesn’t disappear completely. Parenting and shared living still require constant thinking, adjusting, and anticipating needs, and that responsibility doesn’t pause just because roles are clearer. New seasons bring new schedules, new worries, and new things to remember. What felt manageable one month can suddenly feel heavy the next.

Even when responsibilities are shared, someone still has to notice when things need to change. Someone still has to think ahead, emotionally check in, and hold space for everyone else’s needs. The difference isn’t that the mental load goes away, it’s that it becomes more visible, more shared, and less isolating.

And on some days, despite the systems and conversations, it will still feel heavy. That doesn’t mean the communication failed or that anyone did something wrong. It simply means life is moving, and mental load shifts with it. Learning to recognize those moments and revisit the conversation with grace, is part of what makes it manageable over time.

What We Want Other Parents to Know

If you feel exhausted without being able to point to why, it doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re carrying a lot. The mental load is invisible, but it is real, and it weighs on your mind, heart, and energy whether you notice it consciously or not. You might be keeping track of schedules, remembering what everyone needs, anticipating problems before they happen, and managing emotional ups and downs, all at the same time.

Exhaustion can show up as irritability, forgetfulness, or even just a sense of being “on edge” without a clear reason. That’s your mind and body telling you that you’re handling a tremendous amount of unseen work. Feeling drained in these moments doesn’t reflect a lack of ability or strength; it reflects the reality that parenting and managing a household is demanding, complex, and often underestimated.

Recognizing this, is the first step toward giving yourself the grace you need. It’s okay to pause, ask for help, or take even a few minutes for yourself, because what you’re carrying deserves acknowledgment, care, and relief.

Remember to take care of yourselves through the holiday season & know we're always here!

The Vital Pair